Better Now

Disclaimer - CowLip/Russell T Davies/Showtime own them, I don't.

Brian/Justin, sort of angsty but sort of not. An AU set post-122. Rated PG-13 though it does contain some bad language.

Many thanks to nel, for looking over this and just for being her. I'm feeling all moody now and she's making funny faces at me. *smooch* I love you.

Feedback would be great.

The first time Justin comes back, you ignore him.

He stands there quietly as you piss, points to what food you should order from the take-out menu and sits a foot away from you when you flick through the nothing that's on TV.

When you sprawl onto the bed later, he crawls in next to you.

You turn away.

He doesn't make a sound.

The second time Justin comes back, you tell him to fuck off.

Being Justin, of course - even a Justin who's a figment of your imagination - he just rolls his eyes and turns on the stereo, selecting a CD.

No music blares from the speakers, there's no sound from his sneakers slapping on the wooden floor, but Justin keeps moving, dancing to something no one else can hear.

You tell him you refuse to believe you're so weak-minded that you conjured up his presence, and that he has to be a hallucination from that last tab of E you took sixteen days ago.

Justin just wiggles his ass.

The third time Justin comes back, he starts drawing.

Pretending to watch something on TV, you spy from the corner of your eye as he sits crouched over the coffee table.

It's nothing particularly symbolic, and nothing from the prom. It's you he's drawing most of the time. Sometimes with him, sometimes with Gus, but mostly by yourself.

When Mikey drops by - which means it'll be Linds tomorrow and Emmett the day after - he doesn't notice Justin at all as he tries to ask you how you're feeling without actually asking how you're feeling.

When his gaze falls to the drawings spread across the coffee table and the floor, he frowns.

When Justin comes back the fourth time, he wakes you up by setting off your alarm clock.

Blinking blearily towards the clock, you've barely deciphered that it's 3:47 when Justin's practically in your face.

Recognising his body, you fumble to switch on some kind of light source, and when the loft is drenched in blue you notice the piece of paper he's holding.

It's you and Gus, one that Justin drew, and he's pointing frantically at your son.

Not even thinking, fear and instinct taking over, you grab the phone. Six rings later and Mel is picking up.

"Hello?"

"Is Gus all right?" You're already out of bed, searching for your jeans one-handed. It's been a while since you last wore them.

"Brian? Christ, do you know what fucking time-?"

"Is Gus all right?" You ask again, demanding, and Mel seems to realise you're serious.

"Sure. Sure, he's in his cot just like...Gus?" Her voice takes on a panicked edge. "Gus? Oh shit, oh shit, he's not breathing!"

You hear a thud and know she's dropped the phone. As you barrel out of the loft you don't even notice that Justin isn't there anymore.

When Justin comes back the fifth time, you thank him for saving Gus' life because even you can't be nonchalant about that.

Obviously embarrassed, he ducks his head and shrugs and that's when you ask him if he's real.

Lifting his head back up, he nods as he holds your gaze.

You tell him this is totally fucked up.

He laughs silently and agrees.

When Justin comes back the sixth time, you touch him.

You're sitting on the sofa watching him and he's sitting on the sofa watching you and he doesn't back away when you stretch out your right hand.

His arm is warm, warmer than it was even before the prom, and it makes no sense to you why death is always associated with the cold.

He's scorching.

When Justin comes back the seventh time, he kisses you.

It's weird at first. He doesn't gasp, doesn't breathe heavily, doesn't moan your name. But when you push inside he's staring at you, he's *there*, and it's worth all the other things you don't have.

Afterwards there's no come on his stomach, nothing between your bodies, but as you drag your fingers through his hair he's as content as you've ever seen him.

You tell him that you didn't go to his funeral.

When he mouths something in reply, you don't even look away.

When Justin comes back the eighth time, you take him out with you.

The guys have been annoying you for days, claiming that it's not healthy to stay indoors all the time, but now you have a good reason to go. You want to see what it's like out there with him.

Justin helps you shower and shave, which takes a while - he didn't complain about beard burn at all after his last visit, but then you're not sure if that would affect him - and then you're pulling on some clothes and heading out to Woody's.

The boys are all trying too hard to act like everything's normal, and you really wish you could put your arm around Justin but know you'd look pretty weird putting your arm around someone no one else can see.

You get depressed for a while when you realise you'll never be able to dance - really *dance* - with Justin at Babylon again, before realising you can just do it in the loft, instead.

Mikey raves on about some new comic he's read. When Justin rolls his eyes and makes a stupid face, you laugh and no one else but him knows why.

When Justin comes back the last time, you've been thinking.

You tell him that you know no one else can know about him, because you already know how that conversation would go. Hey, you know that blond twink I used to fuck more than once? Yeah, I'm fucking his ghost now. They'd look at you like you were nuts.

*He* gives you a look that says you already are, and you smack him on the ass.

You end up wrestling each other on the sofa, Justin having the edge because he never needs air or gets out of breath. You claim unfair spiritual advantage but he lets you pin him down easily before long, and after a kiss you find yourself asking if he's always going to leave.

Touching the side of your face, he smiles.

The last time Justin comes back, he stays, and you don't see any reason why you ever need to leave the loft again.

~FINIS