Disclaimer - CowLip/Showtime owm them, etc etc. Not me.

Hmm, more of a ficlet then a fic. Brian/Justin, post-122 episode addition. Everyone and their dog has written one of these - now it's my turn! *g* Angst, baby. PG-13 for language.

Thanks to nel. *smooch*

***

The crack of wood on bone wakes him and Brian doesn't understand why until he sees Mikey lying next to him, fully clothed, and wonders why it isn't Justin.

The noise sounds again then, inside his head, and Brian's suddenly shaky hands move to touch the blood-stained scarf still around his neck and he wants it back, he wants the ignorance *back*, he doesn't want to remember-

-dancing-

-laughing-

-*crack*-

-justin-

-screaming-

-he barely makes it to the toilet. It ends up being pointless anyway because as much as he heaves, nothing comes up. He wonders if he's eaten anything in the last three days, then wonders if Justin's ever going to eat again.

Justin loves food.

Mikey's behind him quickly, rubbing his back, and when the heaves turn out to be sobs suddenly it's easier for Brian to breathe.

***

Cynthia knows about Justin. It's her job to notice stalkery little shits who think it's perfectly okay to call Brian's office whenever they feel like it, but it's also her job to ignore them unless otherwise necessary. She's obviously surprised to see him but covers it well, not questioning why he's there instead of the hospital.

Quickly and efficiently she gets him up to date on anything important he's missed, waits for instructions, then turns to leave.

Only...she pauses by the door.

"How is he?"

Brian keeps opening drawers, looking for something he can't quite remember. "Alive. They're not sure if he'll wake up, though." He finds a folder he doesn't need but takes it out anyway, sitting down in his chair and rifling through it.

Justin's smile is staring back at him from every page.

Hallucinations are the last thing he needs and Brian slams the folder shut. "Get me some coffee."

"You don't pay me enough to get you coffee," Cynthia bitches back, and if he were straight Brian would've fucked her years ago.

Later, Ryder bumbles into Brian's office, stuttering over his wishes for Justin's speedy recovery and assurances that he doesn't care if the event gives the company bad publicity or not, he'll support Brian no matter what.

Brian wants to scream that it doesn't matter, none of it fucking matters, but manages to wait until Ryder leaves the office before throwing his coffee across the room.

***

Sleep is elusive at the best of times and now that he knows what's waiting for him - that one moment, that instant of ignorance - Brian can't sleep at all. He'd craved it at first but knows he doesn't deserve that freedom. The weight of what happened is resting on his shoulders and Brian feels it every second of every minute of every day.

Circles develop under his eyes and he doesn't care. He shaves and washes and brushes his teeth, and every now and then he stumbles across some reminder of Justin's existence - a stray sock, a spare toothbrush, a picture of Brian that was hung at the GLC. Brian picks all of them up and shoves them into a drawer, slamming it shut.

He goes to work and goes back home and doesn't sleep. He doesn't go near the diner, or Woody's, or Babylon, and ignores every message left on his machine and every knock on his door.

Life becomes comfortably numb and he's almost used to the idea of always feeling that way when Linds leaves another message on his machine.

"He's awake, Brian! Justin's awake! He's...okay."

***

He doesn't go to the hospital; at least, not then. He waits until night time because he doesn't deserve to be there, doesn't deserve to be able to see Justin at all but he can't stay away. Brian compromises, never talking to him and always keeping Justin beyond his reach.

Justin never knows he's there, and never will.

On the way home that night, Brian picks up a trick and fucks him in the loft. It's nothing like Justin, and after kicking the guy out Brian stumbles into the bathroom and ends up staring at his reflection. For a moment he actually thinks he sees the twink reflected in the mirror behind him but when he turns - stupidly - there's no one there.

Brian's been falling for a long time, and two weeks ago he finally hit the ground.

~FINIS

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