Disclaimer - MGM/Gekko/Double Secret own them.
The unrequited love a banana has for the person who eats it.
Look, scifijunkie! It's your Christmas present! Jonas/Banana. Humour. Suitable for all.
*
Every piece of fruit was born with the instinctive knowledge that one day, they would be eaten.
Banana was no different. He was, however, rather blasé about the whole thing. So he got eaten. So what? It wasn't as if his life had been all that fantastic since being yanked off Tree - and in fact sometimes, it felt like he'd never been separated from Tree. He could literally feel her still holding onto him.
Apple called it 'ghost branch syndrome'.
Banana suspected Apple had too much time on her leaves. But then what else were they supposed to do? Their lives now consisted of nothing but sitting in a bowl, waiting to be eaten.
Still, Banana had to admit that was better than his frankly terrifying youth. Loud, dark, horrifying. Some kind of machine stamping a sticker onto him that - dammit - he couldn't remove due to his inconvenient lack of hands.
Banana seriously thought someone needed to re-think his general design. How was he supposed to do anything without opposable roots? (it didn't matter that he hadn't grown out of the ground - convenience was what mattered here).
None of these were new thoughts. Living in a bowl tended to give you a lot of time to think things over, and he'd already thought over these particular things more than once. There was the odd moment here and there when A Hand moved towards him to break the monotony, but A Hand had yet to actually choose him. So far Other Banana and Pear had been taken (Pear had been ecstatic, trilling something about going to a far far better place. Yeah. Someone's stomach probably was more interesting than this stupid bowl).
And then it happened.
A Hand approached, casting a shadow over the bowl. The fruit shivered, some in fear (Grape: "Mom! Mom! Don't let them take me!"), and some in joyful anticipation (Apple: "Fruit nirvana, here I come!").
Not Banana. Banana just lay there. Disappointed. Detached. Delicious.
Maybe that was why A Hand chose him.
Banana had to admit, he was surprised when he felt warm flesh surround him. And possibly even happy. If whoever A Hand belonged to devoured him quickly, at least he wouldn't be around anymore.
As he soon discovered, that wasn't going to happen anytime soon. Instead of peeling his skin off (Banana had to admit, he'd always been intrigued by what that would feel like), A Hand pushed him inside what turned out to be a warm, comfortable place. Much nicer than that cold bowl.
When A Hand let go completely, Banana deduced he was in some kind of pocket, and for once he wasn't complaining.
Shortly after that, Banana felt a lot of movement. Given the kind of pressure he felt, he had to be in some kind of internal jacket pocket. It was nice and dark and warm, and he really didn't want to move.
Naturally, he did.
But only when there was noise, and light, and Hand again.
This time Banana really had the chance to fully appreciate the Hand. It was firm, yet soft, and handled him gently – almost reverently, as if whoever held him had a great respect for all forms of fruit.
Banana was actually starting to feel...happy. Then Hand lifted him up to Face and oh! What wonders! He had never seen anything so beautiful!
He wanted to declare his newly developed love for Face right then, but he didn't have a mouth with which to declare anything. Or a voice. Or a voice box. Damn his lack of human moving body parts!
And then something truly miraculous happened. Hand held him up by one end, while Other Hand grabbed his top and...PEELED HIM!
Had Banana's been capable of fainting he would have right then. As it was he silently screamed at the combination of exquisite pain and indescribable pleasure.
He knew what would be coming soon, and he was momentarily sad to know that he'd cease existing so soon after experiencing that. But, that was the life of a banana. It was meant to be.
Banana was lifted up again, towards the tempting warmth that was Mouth, and as he waited to see exactly what this experience would feel like, somehow he knew that - just as there had been no other Bananas before him - there would be no other Bananas after him, either.
~FINIS