Disclaimer - MGM/Gekko/Double Secret own them. I don't.
Set anytime you want in season six. Feedback would be appreciated. Silliness abounds!
A different kind of sap altogether...
*
He was going to find this funny. Sam had absolutely no doubt that he was going to find this hilarious. Not that he'd ever show anything more than a smirk or maybe even a grin, but inside he'd be howling with laughter.
So for as long as she could possibly get away with it, she didn't move.
The problem was, of course, that he'd just suggested that they start heading back to the gate.
Their mission to P5R 327 had - so far - proved uneventful. They were there to investigate naquadah readings, and possible ruins. The Colonel didn't seem particularly fascinated by it, so to cut the mission time down he'd sent Teal'c and Jonas to investigate the ruins, while they stayed behind to do the naquadah tests.
Well okay, she'd been doing the naquadah tests while he'd hummed aimlessly to himself.
The tests had been finished quickly and as Jonas and Teal'c would be a while, they'd decided on a little exploration; less than a mile from the gate they'd found a cluster of trees forming a tightly packed circle.
Sam had commented on the chances of them growing like that naturally; he'd commented that it wasn't really something he was interested in, although the big ones trunk was shaped suspiciously like Hammond's head.
Chuckling, Sam had leant her back against a tree.
And stuck.
It was entirely her own fault - she'd been flirting. Not seriously, but she'd been amused, was trying to look relaxed and happy and...she'd stuck.
She'd realised almost immediately and now here she was, trying to prise herself off a tree without him noticing. What on earth was making her stick so damn hard?
Whenever he turned or glanced elsewhere, she'd try to push her body away...to no avail.
And then he said it.
"Well, I guess we should head back to the gate and wait for the boys."
Damn. "Yes sir." As he searched the immediate area to make sure they hadn't left anything behind, Sam tried one last, frantic attempt to separate herself from the tree.
Frustrated, she sighed heavily, and eventually acknowledged that she wasn't going to be able to do this alone. She wasn't looking forward to this... "Uh, sir...?"
"Yeah?" He still wasn't looking at her, searching for the wrapper of the energy bar he'd eaten.
Here it went. "I, uh...I seem to be stuck. Sir."
Suddenly he wasn't so distracted, his gaze slamming towards her. "Stuck?"
"Yes sir. I can't move away from the tree."
The left side of his mouth quirked up as he strode towards her. "What, is it holding you hostage or something?"
"I think there's some kind of substance holding me in place." Her jacket wouldn't be a problem; she could simply slip out of it and leave it sticking to the tree. Her hair, however, was another matter.
Coming to a halt just a few feet away, he regarded her position. "So...what? Glued?"
She'd been thinking about that. "I don't know. Maybe it's the sap."
He nodded, still looking at her from different angles. "It does tend to be sticky...although not quite this *aggressively* sticky." Frowning, he stepped closer and grabbed the tops of her arms, cupping his hands around them. "Sorry about this, Carter."
"It's all right sir," She nodded but that hurt, so quickly stopped. "Go ahead."
Taking the permission, he began tugging. Gently at first, but rapidly increasing the force until her chest - but nothing else - was bending towards him.
Her head began to roll slowly back against the tree, but only so far. It wasn't letting up on the grip on her hair, and it was making her well aware of that fact. "Stop!"
He did, releasing her. "Sorry,"
"Not your fault," But she did have to blink away the moisture in her eyes caused by the hair pulling. Dammit, that *hurt*.
Looking further down her body, he mumbled another apology as his hands delved inside her jacket, grabbing firmly around her sides.
Sam didn't utter a word.
He tugged, pulled and nearly yanked, and the only good thing they discovered was that whatever this 'sap' was, it definitely hadn't penetrated through the back of her jacket, so it was just the material stuck to the tree.
And her hair, of course.
Sighing, he stepped back, his hands moving away (and was it her imagination, or did they linger across her body a little longer than they needed to?).
Obviously stumped, he ran a hand over his hair. "Well, as I see it Carter, we have two options. One, we hack at your hair with a knife which frankly would be a crime to hairdressers everywhere, or I go on back to the SGC and see if there's some kind of solvent we can use-"
"No!" Uh, right. Shouting at him probably wasn't a good idea. "I mean...I don't think it would be best to inform the SGC of my situation."
Before long he was grinning. "Pride comes before a fall, Carter."
"Sir?"
"Come on, you're embarrassed about what they're gonna say. All the comments you're gonna have to put up with. Admit it."
Fair enough. "Okay, I can admit that, but I still don't want to contact them. I'm gonna get enough comments just from *you* as it is."
He couldn't argue with that. "True. So," Pulling his knife out of its case, he held it up. "Haircut it is then."
Then she realised how bad a plan this was. In order to get to her hair, he was going to have to get close. *Very* close.
Though he didn't say anything he seemed to realise the same, because he unbuckled first his and then her P-90 for her, carefully placing both of them on the ground (it wouldn't feel particularly nice having them digging into their bodies).
"Okay," He declared, clearing his throat. "I'm gonna cut your hair now."
"Okay." She replied, trying not to look at him. "Just a little back and sides, please."
He didn't laugh - although that wasn't especially unusual. Instead he stepped towards her, hesitating as he tried to find the right angle and position to come at her hair from. Eventually (and much to her chagrin), it was pretty much as it had been before, just...much closer.
He was obviously trying not to lean against her, but it was proving almost impossible. Sam held very, very still, but unfortunately she had a *very* nice view of his *very* nice neck.
How was it possible that a neck even *was* nice?
After a few more seconds, she realised he wasn't moving at all. "Sir?" And dear *God* he smelled good. "You haven't touched the tree, have you?"
"No, it's not that Carter." Wow, his Adam's apple was incredibly hypnotic. "It's just...you don't exactly have a lot of hair to cut. I'm not sure I'm gonna be able to do this."
"Oh." She didn't want to hear that. And why hadn't he moved away yet?
"Don't wanna cut into that brilliant head of yours, after all."
"That would be a bad thing." Seriously, why hadn't he moved away yet? She was far, far too aware of him: much more so than usual. True, in a typical day she didn't get this close to him but even so...maybe it was some aberrant property in the sap.
Yes, that was it.
The sap was affecting her judgement. Obviously.
She could just imagine that one turning up in the mission report. "Through no fault of my own, the sap of the tree I was stuck to compelled me to kiss my commanding officer."
Wait, wait, wait.
Kiss him? She hadn't even thought about...okay, *now* she had. Cr*p.
And he still hadn't moved away.
She really didn't want him to.
Definitely something in the sap.
He spoke again. "Well I think we have a problem here."
Her right hand moved to rest on his side. Logically, to hold him steady so he didn't topple towards the tree. Realistically... "Oh?"
His nose brushed across the top of her hair. "I don't think I can do this without some...consequences."
Sam closed her eyes. "Consequences?"
"Uh huh. You could lose some hair. Might be painful."
She could live with that. "Sir?"
"Carter?" His voice was so close to her ear, it travelled all the way down her spine.
"Drop the knife."
It thudded to the ground, thankfully missing all extremities.
He shifted, and when she opened her eyes again she discovered his face had moved back, inches away.
Looking at her.
Staring at her.
For the first time, she didn't look away.
Her head being stuck where it was, he had to do most of the moving - not that she was complaining. His face descended slowly towards hers, waiting for any sign, any signal that she was going to change her mind.
Just to give a small, ever so subtle hint that she wasn't, her right hand cupped the back of his head and yanked him towards her.
It was a clumsy, mishmash of lips at first, what with the years of denial and her being stuck to a tree, but it soon settled down before rapidly settling *up* into something extremely, *extremely* pleasant.
But she couldn't relax entirely, all too aware of where they were. She broke away briefly. "Don't touch the tree, don't touch the-"
"Won't," And he was kissing her again.
Of course, the best way to ensure that his hands didn't accidentally wander towards the tree was to move them under her jacket again, and if they just so happened to touch her skin at some point...
The extra strength sap on her hair was seriously impeding her attempts to get closer, so a frustrated Sam tugged him closer still, sighing as his hand rubbed the flesh on her side, growling when the hand moved highe-
"O'Neill."
Their mouths froze. His hand froze.
And then Sam realised Teal'c wasn't right next to them - his voice was simply coming from the radio.
Oh thank God.
Pulling his head away, with heavily laboured breath and using his left hand (the right was still holding onto her), the Colonel answered his radio. "Go ahead,"
"We have arrived at our destination. There are no ruins here: only many large rocks. Jonas Quinn does not believe the layout has any significance and that we need stay here no longer."
Sam heard the message, but she was too busy staring at his chest moving up and down to really care.
"Roger that," He responded, making his chest move again. "Meet you back at the gate. O'Neill out." Releasing his hold on the radio, he moved his gaze from the nothing she suspected he'd been looking at deliberately, to her. "We should probably..."
Had she been capable of nodding, she would have. "Right,"
He moved.
Except...he didn't. He kept *going* to move, but actually didn't.
"Crap," He sighed, thudding his head against her shoulder.
"What?"
"My right leg's stuck."
"*What*?" Tilting her head down and to the left as much as he could given the superglue on her scalp, she could just see that he was absolutely right. During their...encounter, his right leg had kind of moved forward and around her, probably to help give him more stability. "Oh." So, he was stuck with his leg wrapped around her.
Hmm.
She could only be thankful that *her* legs weren't stuck. "Well..."
"We can*not* let the guys know about this," He interrupted.
Who was proud now? But he had a point - how the hell would they explain it? "Well unless you have some way of getting us both out of here, I don't see how they won't find out. The only way I can think of that would at least get you free is..." She paused, her eyes widening as she met his gaze.
His did the same. "There's really no other way, is there?"
"No,"
Shaking his head, he sighed. "Okay. Fine. I'm gonna have to take off my pants."
That was it: she grinned. Then chuckled. Then laughed.
It really was the most ridiculous thing; getting stuck on a tree, making out, and then getting *him* stuck on the tree with her.
"Carter?" He hopped away from her as much as he could on the left foot without pulling his right leg too far the wrong way. "*Carter*?"
"Sorry sir," She chuckled again. "This is just a really bizarre situation."
"Huh," He shrugged, though he did smile. "What else is new?" Glancing down at his pants, he sighed. "All right. I'm gonna..." He gestured towards them.
"Sure," She said, deliberately glancing away.
Sam knew he'd worked as fast as he could, and sure enough, within a few seconds he had the buttons undone and was trying to tug his right leg free. She almost pointed out that it'd be a lot easier if he'd taken his boot off, but figured he wouldn't appreciate that comment right now. Especially as the way he kept brushing against her was proving quite, uh, 'interesting'.
Finally, a few minutes of huffing, heaving, and grunting later, his right leg was free - and he immediately fell inelegantly onto his butt.
He really was quite a sight - one bare leg, one covered one - but he was also cute as hell.
And speaking of legs...*wow*.
Struggling to his feet, instead of stepping out of the other leg, he grabbed hold of the leg he'd just climbed free of and began pulling.
Sam wasn't so sure that was a good idea either, but again she decided against pointing that out.
Cursing, muttering, and generally murmuring unpleasant things, he kept tugging until finally, finally, it gave way.
With a rip.
Falling on his rear again, he didn't get up from the grass, instead grabbing his radio. "Teal'c."
A few seconds later... "O'Neill."
"Carter's found something fascinating. We may be a few minutes late."
"Understood."
Sighing, he let go of the radio and looked up at Sam - who was finding it very, very difficult not to laugh. He wasn't the only one with ammunition now.
He glared at her - or at least tried to. There was too much humour beneath it to be genuine. "Oh don't even start."
*
The cover story was perfect. She'd got stuck; in his attempts to help her, he got stuck too. The end.
Teal'c's eyebrow rose to new heights when he saw them approaching, while Jonas' grin was just about the biggest it had ever been (and that was saying something).
Sam could just imagine how ridiculous they looked; her hair was sticking up all over the place (it'd taken some doing to free her but eventually, it'd worked), and the Colonel's right pant leg was hanging in pieces.
Still, at least his groin was covered. That was definitely a good thing.
As they calmly strode by their team mates, the Colonel was the first to speak. "I don't wanna hear a *word*."
So Teal'c waited until he was out of range, before focusing on his ruined pant leg, and then turning towards her. "I will not ask what it was that you found so fascinating."
"Probably a good idea," She agreed, her gaze sliding back towards the Colonel and his attempts to look relaxed with one pant leg missing.
And nodded. Just because she could.
~FINIS