Disclaimer - MGM/Gekko/Double Secret own them.
A 'Homecoming' episode addition, containing spoilers for 'Meridian', 'Paradise Lost', and 'Homecoming'. Feedback would be welcomed with huggles.
Thanks to AJ and Michelle. Smooch!
*
He's on his way back from the can when he sees her, peering around the corner - she must have left the table after he did for whatever reason.
He knows what she's doing of course. He's caught himself doing it a few times ever since they found Daniel.
Pausing behind her, almost touching, he looks over her shoulder to what she's staring at.
She's aware he's there. She has to be.
"I know," He murmurs softly, just loud enough to be heard over the conversation in the restaurant. "I can't believe it either."
Carter's head turns towards his, so close that they're almost touching.
He should pull away. He really has to pull away.
"It's not that," She tells him, when he still hasn't moved. "I mean it's incredible that he's back, but I, uh," Her gaze falls to somewhere around neck level. "I feel guilty."
"About what?"
"That I'm not *happier* that he's back. Believe me, I'm thrilled that he is and that he's re-joining the team, but..." Her gaze lifts again, meeting his.
Jack gets it. "Jonas."
"I know he was never your favourite person," She grins, knowing it's a vast understatement of his initial opinion of the guy. "But I really came to like him; both as a person and as someone I worked with. It was...nice, having someone of that perspective around."
"What perspective?"
"Happy."
He lifts his eyebrows. "You calling the rest of us depressing, Carter?"
She purses her lips together, but her eyes totally give her away. "Not at all, sir." She turns back to look at the table where Daniel seems to be doing what Daniel does best - talking emphatically about something while poor Teal'c looks bored out of his tattoo. Her smile fades, eventually, as she glances down. "I guess I was just hoping there'd be none of this for a while."
"None of what?"
"Loss." She pauses. "I know it's not as if Jonas isn't just a 'gate trip away, but after this last year...losing Daniel and then..." She hesitates, and he's really not sure what she's going to say. "...almost losing you..."
Oh.
That surprises him.
He knows, on a rational level, that she must have missed him. They work together every day; he's her commanding officer and friend. But when he did come back, there were no obvious signs of her missing him any more than was necessary - no brilliant grin, no welcoming hug (not that he *expected* a hug, but a guy could dream, couldn't he?).
He's not sure what to do. He doesn't want to make this about him - them - but he doesn't want to ignore it completely either. And he knows, he *really* knows that he doesn't have the right words to deal with this.
As it turns out, his hand makes the decision for him, reaching out to touch her.
It's nothing serious, nothing regulation threatening. She's standing in front with her back to him, so his hand is resting on her side - but he's not planning to do anything more than that, he really isn't.
Until she leans back against him.
His brain, his body - *everything* - freezes for a moment, caught up in disbelief. Then, though his brain may still be short circuiting (there's no other explanation for his next course of action), his body moves again, both arms now going around her waist, pulling her closer still. He can't believe they're doing this in public, in the middle (well, side) of a restaurant. In fact he can't believe they're doing this at all; his face in her neck as he sighs, shuddering as he relaxes against her, her left hand covering both of his, her right lifting up to touch the side of his head.
And then, even though at the time he's not entirely sure what it means, and purely because it feels like the first time that he really doesn't have to hold back, he whispers it:
"I miss you."
It's crazy. He sees her every day, works with her every day...but like this? Being with her like this? It's so rare that he shouldn't have enough memories of these moments to miss it, but he does all the same.
Oh yeah; though it's a huge cliché he could *so* stay here forever; warm, soft, firm, smelling of *her*...but then he makes the mistake of moving his face up, glancing to the right...
To see someone staring at them.
He doesn't know who they are, another customer, a complete stranger. Yet it's a vivid reminder of exactly why they can't do this.
Always someone watching. Always.
Just for a second - *just* for a second - his eyes close, his arms tighten around her, and because he so rarely does any of this, for once he lets himself think how. damn. unfair. it is.
Then pulls away.
Stumbling, surprised, she turns to face him, her eyes looking suspiciously moist.
Yeah. Dammit, his own eyes are feeling distinctly uncomfortable too. "Sorry," He mutters, hoping she knows he's apologising for the way he pulled away, not for touching her - not that he can say that. He's already said way, *way* too much.
She gets it. "It's okay," Is she shaking? He sure as heck is, his right hand on his hip, because it really doesn't know what else to do with itself. "I shouldn't have..."
She's right, of course, because she always is. She also knows that they don't have to actually say those things they can't do.
They never talk about this, because they don't have to.
He nods, swallowing heavily, trying to catch his breath gesturing towards the table. "We should..."
Her lips puckered tightly together she silently agrees, turning away and walking back to the rest of the team. As they make their way across the restaurant, he notices for the first time that his hand instinctively lifts up to press against the small of her back.
He stops it.
But when they sit down, smile too much, and he makes too big an effort of making fun of Daniel, he swears he can still feel her fingers brushing through his hair.
~FINIS