Disclaimer - Paramount own Star Trek and Seven, Mattel own Barbie.
Yup, this one's a parody. How'd you guess?? Although I have to say...the shaving kit and de-icing kit actually exist. No, really.
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Hello Old Friends,
Well the Trek merchandising department is at is again. In a desperate attempt to create yet more profit and to aid the CBS deal in its quest to fly Voyager's ratings sky high, a new toy has been developed. Yes, for those eager to get their dirty little hands on this object, you can now buy something that falls into the same league as the Star Trek Shaving Kit and the Star Trek De-icing Kit.
Paramount and Mattel are proud to present...
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Barbie (TM) of Borg
OFFICIAL PRESS RELEASE
Mattel is proud to announce its latest creation in the Barbie (TM) Universe - Seven of Nine, star of UPN's Star Trek: Voyager.
Once a feared member of the Borg Collective, Seven now struggles to discover her individuality whether it's through disagreeing with her Captain, or asking nervous young ensigns for sex.
Her outfit - which was carefully designed in collaboration with the Star Trek Wardrobe Department - includes a regenerative catsuit, Borg eye implant, star shaped implant placed on the right cheek (although which cheek it eventually ends up on is entirely up to the owners discretion) and a specially designed Borg 'glove' that fits over her left hand. The latest developments in toy technology mean that with the slightest flick of the button located in her left nipple, two 'assimilation' tubules emerge from the glove. Hours of fun can ensue as you pretend to inject your friends and family with nanoprobes. For that extra special authentic feel, a pot of grey make-up is included with the toy so you can achieve that 'just assimilated' realism.
EXTRA SPECIAL OFFER!!
Order before the 7th September 2006, and you'll receive the Seven of Nine French girl 'Killing Game' clothing absolutely FREE!
(Warning: Removal of regenerative catsuit requires a minimum of twenty five minutes due to the use of adhesive solvent, and the Toy Standards Authority requests that children under the age of five should not attempt to do so without the presence of a guardian.
Mattel recommends that you simply place 'Killing Game' clothing over the top of the catsuit, and promise that the kicky beret and ankle socks will draw everyone's attention away from the interesting sparkly tights).
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Reactions to this latest merchandising wonder in the online community have been mixed. Take, for example, these comments from the alt.barbievsstartrek newsgroup:
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'Well, I know they did something like this before with the Original Series Barbie and Ken. I gotta admit, that was kinda cute. I gotta admit, I bought one. But isn't this going...you know...a bit far?'
- trekfan@bemused.com
'Fair enough, a Seven of Nine Barbie doll. Okay. But where on Earth is the Janeway Barbie doll that comes with her trusty phaser rifle? Where's the Torres doll with detachable forehead ridges to tie in with 'Faces'? And what about the men? Where's the Neelix Ken doll? Of course, his hair would have to be made of plastic which is an added bonus.'
- sarah@pc.co.uk
'OHMIGOD! I DON'T BELEAVE IT!!! Paramount have fynally com to there sences!!!! A dreem com tru!'
- Sevenofnine@happy.net
'It has to be said - I'm utterly delighted. Ms Ryan is a wonderful lady and actress, and now I can keep her in my bed every night as I **********.' (comment deleted for reasons of good taste).
- Ilovejerilee@abitworrying.nz
'Like there wasn't enough Trek crap on sale already, and now we get this...obscenity. Star Trek sucks. And Seven of Nine DIES! DIE, SEVEN DIE!'
- Iambecomedeath@slightlyscary.com
'I want to know how other parents feel about this. A strong character she may be, but shoving the lady into skin-tight clothing is not particularly helpful to young minds. They don't need to see that. And neither do I.'
- NoImnotfat@protective.au
'I think it's terrible. How is Barbie going to stand on her own two feet if she keeps lending her body to other famous businesses? It's almost prostitution.'
- Barbierocks@owneverydoll.co.uk
'Comparisons: Barbie's knees wouldn't bend. Borg don't like to sit. Barbie's expression never changes. Seven's expression rarely changes. Barbie dolls are blonde, plastic, and empty-headed, so God knows how they've changed it.'
- Imsuresevensalovelypersonreally@yeahright.com
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As you can see, some quite diverse reactions. Absolute joy, absolute fury.
Personally?
I'm not surprised.
The company that makes Star Trek teddy bears is quite capable of anything.
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That's all, for now. Join me next time as we discuss...
'Janeway's Barbershop' - Do we really need to deal with her hair *again*?
~FINIS