Disclaimer - Paramount, Shmaramount.
Very, very silly.
*
Tom Paris was a dead man.
No, wait a minute. He couldn't have done this entirely by himself. Harry must have helped. B'Elanna. Neelix? The Doctor? Seven? She knew from several attempts that the comm system in her quarters wasn't working. It probably went farther than she feared. Fine.
The entire crew was dead.
Only that was too good for them.
Okay, maybe not. But it had to be painful and distinctly uncomfortable-
"Don't you dare, Kathryn. I recognise that look."
She glared at him.
He continued. "Yeah, that one. You didn't get your crew this far towards the Alpha Quadrant only to kill them all now."
Resisting the urge to retort, she did allow herself a sigh. He was right, of course. She wouldn't kill them. But she would get *revenge*.
Some Birthday this was turning out to be.
She had woken a few minutes ago - with only a vague recollection of the night before - to realise she was propped up against the inside of her shower, tied front-to-front to her First Officer. That was bad enough as it was, but it looked as if...yes, they had actually used her own underwear to tie them together. There was a bra, but mostly it seemed to be panty hose that was holding them together. Thank God it was all clean...
Thankfully they were both fully dressed in their uniforms, but considering how tightly they were tied together there couldn't have been much that was left to either of their imaginations. Of course she tried to ignore that, but there really wasn't much to do when he was right *there*.
Okay, okay. Analyse the situation. Formulate possible solutions. Choose the one that would work. Ignore how good he-
"Oh," She muttered, then moaned as she tried to slap her hand over her mouth but quickly realised there was no chance that was going to happen any time soon.
"What is it?" He asked softly.
Desperately trying to avoid his eyes - which was even more difficult than usual - her gaze fell upon the shower nozzle. "I have an idea," Kathryn declared in a tone of voice that she hoped wasn't desperately enthusiastic. Aside from coffee, the one real indulgence Kathryn allowed herself was having a water shower in her quarters as opposed to those hideous sonic shower things. Oh she knew how they worked, knew they did the job even better than water...but there were some things she just insisted on doing.
Taking a real water shower was one of them.
"Go on," Chakotay encouraged.
Nodding her head towards the controls, she smiled. "We turn on the water. The...materials holding us together should become a little more pliable."
He stared at her frankly, disbelieving. "You're serious?"
Hell, it was better than doing nothing. The sooner she got away from him the better. "Absolutely."
"Okay," He said. "But I want to remind you now that this was your idea."
"Fair enough," She grinned. "On three we shuffle over towards the controls and I'll use my shoulder to knock them on."
"That's not going to be very precise..."
"I know," Kathryn agreed "Just as long as we get the water on."
He resigned himself to a rather watery fate.
Kathryn began counting. "One...two...three!"
On cue they both shuffled towards the controls and Kathryn threw herself against them, hoping she'd hit something useful.
The shower activated. The water poured. "Yes!" She yelled, but the exclamation of success rapidly changed to a high pitched scream.
"Hot! HOT!" Chakotay yelled, trying to move away from the terrifyingly hot water in the limited confines of her shower cubicle and not having much success.
Ordering him to stop moving Kathryn once again threw herself against the controls. Instantly the temperature changed, but the efficiency of the temperature control mechanism was almost more than Chakotay could bear.
"Cold. COLD!" He yelled.
Kathryn was very aware of that fact. The water was falling on her at least as much as it was falling on him. Her hair and uniform were plastered to her skin and there wasn't a single portion of her body that was still dry. Once again leaning on the controls, she frowned when nothing happened. She tried again. Still nothing. "We're going to have to live with it," She muttered, trying not to let her teeth chatter. "Come on, let's get out of these things."
Turned out that the idea worked better in theory than practice. There was only one way that either of them could think of to pull their binds off.
Still shivering, Chakotay nonetheless managed a grin. "I promise you Kathryn," He smirked as the water continued its relentless pounding. "I'm only doing this because you told me to."
"Just get on with it," She ordered, tipping her head to one side, not wanting to watch.
Bending his head down until his chin rested on the bottom of his neck, he leant forward as much as he could and began pulling at the restraints around her chest with his teeth.
Kathryn suddenly had the revelation that this was not a good idea.
Apparently finding purchase he latched onto a restraint and Kathryn felt the panty hose move as he pulled with his teeth. Losing his grip he swore and began again, this time accidentally grazing her breast with his mouth.
Just as well it was cold, Kathryn mused even as she gasped. Any result could be attributed to the water.
He didn't apologise, merely continuing as if nothing had happened but she could feel very well that something had.
She would not turn red she would not turn red she would not turn red.
Her teeth were chattering.
"This isn't working," He declared eventually, and she had to agree with him.
Now it was his turn for a bright idea. "Wait a minute..." He said, eyes wide.
"What?" She asked, imagining cosy blankets, hot coffee, a roaring fire...
"I know what we need."
"What?"
He grinned, despite the icy cold water. "Lubrication."
Before she could splutter out any kind of response, she realised what he was talking about. "Can you reach it?" She asked.
"I'll certainly give it a good try, but you'll have to bend with me."
Of course she would. There was no way she couldn't.
"Ready?" Chakotay queried.
She nodded, eager to get this over with.
"Bend!" He instructed, and together they bent - he forwards, her backwards - as he reached out with his mouth and managed to wrap his lips around the top of the shampoo bottle that had been resting on the ledge at the side of the shower.
Standing back up straight with her, he carefully avoided whacking her in the face with the bottom of the bottle and managed to drop it between them, right side up. Bending his head down again he grabbed the lid with his teeth and popped it open. Pulling away he stuck his tongue out in disgust a few times in a useless attempt to get rid of the soapy taste.
He looked down between them. "Umm...could you possibly move your chest back a bit?"
Kathryn gaped at him. "Could *you*?"
"Alright, don't take offence! It's just we need a little more space between us if this is going to work."
"Look it's simple; we'll just lean as far away from each other as we can for a few seconds. Hopefully with both of our strength it should provide just enough room."
"Just be careful," He warned.
Kathryn nodded, trying to find purchase with her feet. She slipped.
Yelling, they both fell towards (or in her case, backwards) the wall behind her head. Connecting loudly they somehow managed not to fall over completely, so they now leant against the wall.
"Are you okay?" He asked, gasping.
She winced, thinking that his face was a lot closer to hers than it had been earlier. God his hair looked nice when it was wet..."Head hurts a little, but I'll be fine," She assured him, before looking down. "But it seems to have worked!"
Following her gaze he saw that she was right. The bottle was now wedged between them.
"We just have one problem," He told her.
"What's that?"
"Now we have to squeeze it."
Rolling her eyes, she tried to think of a witty response and failed miserably. "Well...we'll...just push our chests together." Finally it came to her. "Come on, Chakotay. Puffing your chest out is something you excel at. This should be simple."
Unable to let that slide, he grinned. "Very well Captain, if you insist. On your mark...set...push!"
They did. The thankfully full bottle squeezed some of its contents out. Kathryn spat to one side. "Chakotay, that went right into my face..."
"Well if you'd tip your head to one side..."
They did it again. And again.
"I think that's enough," Kathryn murmured, thinking that it was going to become dangerously slippery in a moment.
Now - of course - they had to rub.
She could only imagine what anyone's response would be if they could see them - two senior officers rubbing against each other, alternating between up and down by as much as the restraints would allow, trying to betray no emotion whatsoever.
Suddenly the water didn't seem so cold anymore.
She was probably numb by now anyway.
But it seemed to be working.
Encouraged, they rubbed even more vigorously until one of the restraints began to come loose. Chuckling, Kathryn managed to pull it off and a short time later they had all of them off. Slapping the controls off she leapt out of the shower, Chakotay a leap behind.
"Thank God!" She exclaimed, still holding one of her panty hose and searching for a towel. "I swear when I get dry and warm and get out of here that man is in for some serious-" Realising that he hadn't moved, Kathryn stopped talking and turned back to face him.
He was staring at her quite openly.
Well of *course* he was. Her uniform was stuck to every part of her body, just as his was.
Just as his was.
"Oh hell," Kathryn growled, reaching him in two steps, wrapping her arms around his neck and pushing him against the wall.
It was soapy, slippery, and she wanted more.
And she planned on getting it. Later. Breaking away from him, she panted for breath. "Come on. Let's get dry, torture a few members of the crew, and get all this sorted out." When he said nothing she spoke again. "Well say something."
Breathing heavily for a few moments he considered his response. "Being tied up with your panty hose wasn't how I expected it to be."
He saw the soapy, soaking wet panty hose coming towards his face, but there was nothing he could do to avoid it.
"Ow!"
~FINIS